And today, I enter the online dating filth.

Now certainly, I can see nothing inherently wrong with dating in any form.

Ok, fuck that, yes I can.

So, here I sit, piddling away with yet another dating service that wants to whore my visage out to everyone Jane in a 5000 mile radius, and probably has sent some pictures out to Venus ("just in case", no doubt). I suppose in some sense I should be proud that i've actually lowered my standards enough to this level that I can now be groped, or nay, dare I dream, even masturbated to on the World Wide Whackathon.

Still, I must amuse myself somehow, so where do we start?

First, what moron in their mind is going to put themselves in a negative light? I mean, honestly, I ain't bad looking, but i'm not about to put up "dog faced troll, I am 500 pounds and 2 foot. I like to go on walks, though I prefer to roll."

Let's be reasonable, hmm?

Of course, this is the "good you" you wanna project. And naturally, since i'm picky, i've decided on these following criteria for a woman:

1/4 Hindu
3/4 Voodoo
2/7 Fuck you
100% Hoo Hoo
Atheltic
Tall
Short
Bisexual
Bearded
Grape Flavored
and 24/7 Horny

Do you think its too much? Well, realistically her being Short is awful picky, but I do just go for short women. Really, how do they expect that you can sum up an entire person in a little, neat, check box format?

Next, (and this is where they get you), they put your profile that you put your HEARTS BLOOD into, YOUR VERY SOUL TO FIND THE ONE TRUE!...and they then charge you to email other people.

Dammit. How am I supposed to get naked pictures of these people anyway? I'd have better luck surfing free porn sites.

Oh, and certainly, my ego soars when I see that "I have "0" people interested in me."

Jesus guys, did you have to make the zero flash and attach an mp3 file of constant, mocking laughter? That's a bit much, don't you think?

Ho hum. Back to the drawing board.

Warmage
In search of Grape Flavored True Love